Rest In Peace

 

With Halloween not far behind us, Bill and I found ourselves watching a few different shows about phobias. We were talking on the phone and I said, I don't really think that I am afraid of anything, except death. I can't decide if I'm afraid of dying, or what I'll leave behind. It scares me to think I might become one of those sitcoms cliches where one parent is missing. But the truth is, I don't really know how to feel about death itself.

 

With the way Bill's job is, I've gotten very used to disappointment. Counting down the days and expecting him to be home, someone to sleep beside at night (besides Liam). I got another phone call shattering all hope. I hung up the phone and cried. Not the kind where you keep on going with whatever you were doing at the moment, but this was the kind where I put down whatever was in my hand and sobbed. I was actually that sad, and that disappointed. Was this the correct emotion? I know how to feel disappointed and work my way through it, but I can't figure out how to feel about death.

 

With tonight's tragic passing of one of our Schools teachers, I started thinking about my experiences in these situations. I can remember being at my Pap's funeral. My Uncle Sam held me the whole time. I was a child, maybe 6. I can't quite remember but I was emotionless. Obviously I didn't grasp the entirety of the situation but I still felt nothing.

5 years ago, this past Summer, I remember waking up and deciding I was going to work late. I worked at a Summer Camp that was right down the road from me. I had no particular reason to go to work late, but I just wasn't ready to go. A few hours later when I arrived one of my coworkers had just gotten to work too. He was a volunteer EMT and Firefighter. We were casually talking about our days when I asked where he was at. All he could say was Since the parents were Notified he could tell me her name was Nicole Thompson. I stopped, and a million things ran through my head. I felt numb. This girl wasn't family, she wasn't really my friend, but I had gone to school with her for 12 years. I watched her grow up, as much as she did me.

I remember this like it was yesterday, but I started walking one of the trails at the camp. It was raining and I just felt this urge to run. I was running and crying my eyes out. Not knowing what to say, or feel, or think. How can someone in the background of my life, cause so much emotion. We had never hung out. We talked in class, but never on the phone. She was literally in the background of my life. I went to her funeral. I held back the tears thinking I didn't deserve to cry over someone I never really got to know outside of school. She was there at every dance I was at, 6th grade graduation, on the same playground as me, day in and day out but I never really knew her. I still think about her, a lot actually. I pass the site of her accident every time I go to my house. I think about her when I'm driving in the car for no reason. Sometimes I even look at her myspace to see her pictures frozen there in time.

I worked with another girl, Mellissa. Bill and I actually both knew her. We worked together for over a year. She was the kind of girl you looked at the schedule and hoped you were working with her. I remember reading on facebook that she had gotten sick, and it was a surprise to us when she passed away. It never phased Bill or I to go visit her. She was just someone in the background that we knew. And again, tonight, a teacher I had in high school, has passed away. He was a substitute for a few years; The kind that you loved having. The kind where you could have fun, and watch movies during weight training and it was ok. When he was a full time teacher he was even on my Senior Class trip. I've had multiple conversations with this man and never thought twice about them again.

 

It surprises me how greatly everybody in life affects each other. These "background people" that live among us have greater impacts than we even realize. I spent time talking, and working beside, and even growing up beside these people and never thought there would be a day when they weren't there. Years later, I'm still thinking about these people. You've had a greater impact on my life than you or I would have ever thought.

 

Rest In Peace.

The Thanksgiving Experiment

 

Now that I've finally cleaned up from this weekend, and have eaten my weight in Thanksgiving leftovers, I can finally write about my misadventures.

 

As far back as first grade, I have probably been dreaming about my life as a wife and mother. Not just your ordinary Wedding day dreams, but very in depth day dreams about day to day life. I can remember sitting in class thinking to myself, I wonder what my future husband is doing at right this second. Who would have thought he was right across the parking lot, most definitely NOT dreaming about a 1st grader.

Some days I actually thought about a point in time when I would have to cook Thanksgiving dinner. Now, I've always thought of myself as an "ok cook".

When I got my first apartment I was working as a waitress and was learning a lot of "tricks of the trade". I would invite my family over for dinner, sometimes 10 people would show up. In retrospect they were probably just trying to not shatter all hopes and dreams I had as a human being while eating my kitchen experiments. In recent years I had put off this childhood day dream. I've come to realize I do NOT want this kind of pressure on me. Thanksgiving is kinda a big deal, and we all know how Danielle gets in these situations. So when out of nowhere I got this notion that I would cook this amazing dinner for my Family. I called up a few people, set the date, confirmed and hung up the phone.....What had I just done? Had I completely lost my mind? I have never cooked for this many people. I have never watched anyone preparing a Turkey. I don't even eat anything other than Turkey or Mashed Potatoes on Thanksgiving....This was a bad idea. I bit off more than I could chew. I talked myself off the ledge, climbed back up it, talked myself off it again, Shopped, Re-shopped, shopped some more, pinned 18 different desserts I wanted to make... This is ridiculous, it can't possibly be this hard.

I finally bought the Turkey 3 days before the event. It was a 21lb turkey. After reading about 30 different websites I apparently had missed the part about setting out the Turkey 3 days prior. I was already off to a bad start....

 

Friday night came in a hurry. I had the Turkey in the sink changing the water every half hour like the 30 different websites said to defrost it. But all I could think about was stuffing it. When I got a look inside the Turkey I made a reference to Bill about it being like a pumpkin, and scraping all the goo off the inside. I could tell he was holding back sarcasm, but in light of the situation he simply said, "No, it's nothing like a Pumpkin"

 

 

My "You have got to be kidding me, right?" face

And Bill saying, "It's not Gross!"

 

First challenge, Completed. The turkey was stuffed. Now the real debate came. Cook it 30 minutes for every pound, the Internet said 7 hours, the label said 4 1/2. I couldn't decided if it'd be better to eat at 9:00 at night or have the turkey done 5 hours early.

I silently thought to myself, "I deep down inside, must crave situations to prove my incompetence" but then again...Everyone has had a First Turkey Experience. Everyone has Burnt something...

My sweet Husband usually makes non-funny jokes about women in the kitchen. He does it jokingly, but without any question he helped me with everything on Saturday. He crushed Oreos for my cheesecake, sliced apples for the Apple Crumble, and together we peeled and cut about 10lbs of potatoes.

 

 

And this was the end result. I can't remember exactly how it went in my day dreams when I was younger, but this had to be close. Most of the people I love, all in the same room, just enjoying each other's company.

 

My Final thoughts for this Thanksgiving;

Life is Good

and...

I'll work on the uptight thing :)

 

 



The Epidemic Among Us

 

Has anyone else noticed the epidemic among us? Everyone and their sister is having a baby. The other day I mentioned to someone that I could name 15 women off the top of my head that were expecting, and this number is only growing! So of course, yesterday I found myself at a baby shower. It got me thinking about one of mine last year. We played a game that involved passing Advice on to the expecting mother. "Nap when the baby naps", "The Cleaning can wait til tomorrow", "Accept help when it's offered".

Well I'm calling BS on all of it, in my opinion at least. Whether or not we were going to play this game at the baby shower, I couldn't seem to come up with any advice at all. I love my kids to the moon and back but why couldn't I think of one, just one positive thing to say.

I don't think I've ever napped when my kids are napping and I'm certainly not putting cleaning off until tomorrow. That just leaves a bigger mess...tomorrow. And if People are coming to "help" me, I certainly do not want to look incompetent and have a messy house. This is the way my brain works.

I recently read an article by Dan Pearce about 16 ways to blow your marriage. He describes his family on the eve of his sister's wedding and everyone is giving her encouraging advice on Marriage. Dan, with two failed marriages had only jokes about what NOT to do. So, as I was laying in bed the other night, exhausted from the days events of "Don't sit on your brother" and "Stop trying to drown yourself in the bathtub" I could only think of a thousand reasons NOT to have a kid. First off, this baby shower was a surprise. This definitely wouldn't work for me since I had been rotating 3 pairs of sweat pants for the last week. Children do Miraculous things for your body. I'm pretty sure I haven't slept in 3 years (Bill will say otherwise) and when I'm looking at pictures of myself from 3 years ago, I can visibly see the difference the stress has caused. It's like looking at the President after 4 years in office. Yes, I'm comparing my Job to running the Nation. As I'm typing this on my Beautiful Life-sucking Heaven of a couch I have, all I can smell is vomit (Really makes you want to come to my house, huh?)

Maybe you caught me on a bad week to ask such Life Altering questions, but why do we love our children so unconditionally? Let me tell you a little about my babies.

 

Leah...What can I say about Leah? She came into this world the exact same way she will probably leave it. Kicking and Screaming and on her terms. She is Fiery and Spunky and She Commands attention wherever she goes. Any time Bill and I brought her out, people would say she is the happiest baby, which could instantly change in a second. Leah is the comic relief of my day. She makes us laugh when she knows she's in trouble and finds joy in the smallest things.

 

Liam came into this world, again on his terms. I begged for him to come out. I walked and Jogged and squatted til I finally asked to be induced. But he decided to come out just on time, he wouldn't settle for anything else. Liam is the sweetest little boy in the world. He's so Gentle and Smart. At 13 months he's not sleeping through the night, but he makes cuddling at 2am seem like such a great idea. He makes us laugh because from day one he can't stay awake longer than 5 minutes of a car ride. He's fearless and is bound and determined to be a trailblazer.

 

 

Do these things make sense to anyone else? It's the exact opposite of advice. I really have no advice on what to do or how to survive til the next day. I can't not explain my profound love for my children or the desire to have more. It is an unexplainable joy disguising itself as an exhausted, overworked, and starving burden. I find myself at the end of the day shaking my head in amazement and laughing to myself that something or someone could knock you off your feet and rock you to the core.

So, all in all, in my round about way, I offer this to you. My advice; Just enjoy. Enjoy the Unconditional Love, the sleepless nights, and the Endless tears because babies are only babies once.


"The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
for children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep"



Bucket List

 

 

I have had a no good, awful, down right rotten, week. I have had the kind of week where you are already angry and instead of going safely around the corner you jam your pinky toe as hard as you can into the nearest object. The kind of week when your kids Scream bloody murder in the grocery store, party all night long, and pee on the floor. I have had the kind of week where I feel like my kids are actually trying to kill me. I firmly believe that it's never too late to start the day over, which I've done about 75,000 times this week but I have just had enough. To make it worse I didn't ration enough Soda, and this water I'm drinking feels like Poison coursing through my body. And in the way my Brain works I thought to myself...I should make a bucket list in case my Kids actually succeed this week.

 

So This Is the Start of it...

Now I do have things on my list like Skydive and Base jump but there are so many things that I want to do, that I have no reason NOT to be doing them.

 

So, In No Specific order, this is my "I'm going to regret not doing the little things" Bucket List

 

 

1. Sing Karaoke (I've been on stage numerous times for Drama Club and Speech League, but the idea of singing Karaoke is terrifying to me)

 

2. Ride a Mechanical Bull

 

3. I'd really enjoy having a great set of Abs...this is last on my list because I think I'll probably get struck by lightening if this should happen

 

4. Bake a Chocolate Souffle (I've heard it's really hard)

 

5. Take a Road Trip strictly to see America's Oddities.

Every Time we go to Allentown, we pass this Miniature Village. I've thought about going numerous times but we have never gone.

 

6. I'd like to know anything about Cars..

 

7.  I'm going to Dye myself Orange.

By this I mean, I bought Spray Tan and I'm trying to work up the courage to use it

 

8. Get to the Center of a Tootsie Roll Pop without Biting it...

 

 9. Now I have done both of these in my lifetime, but I sadly can't remember the last time I did either

Do a Cartwheel and Roll Down a Small Hill

 

10. Cook Thanksgiving Dinner for my Family

This will come to fruition next weekend. I had always thought there would be someone else in my life hosting Thanksgiving, but my Brain must have had a Meltdown when I volunteered to do this. I know they'll love me no matter what.

 

I realize this is only one bad week. Hopefully I will have a hundred more horrible weeks. But if I don't, I don't think I'm going to be mad that I never went Skydiving or Rode in a Hot Air Balloon.

I'd rather know that I passed a Tradition on to my kids or I learned to Appreciate my love handles. I want to Forget my Umbrella on purpose, Tear down a wall (literal or otherwise), and have no regrets about eating an entire box of Oreos in one sitting.

 

I'm having a horrible week but I know Life is Good