With Halloween not far behind us, Bill and I found ourselves watching a few different shows about phobias. We were talking on the phone and I said, I don't really think that I am afraid of anything, except death. I can't decide if I'm afraid of dying, or what I'll leave behind. It scares me to think I might become one of those sitcoms cliches where one parent is missing. But the truth is, I don't really know how to feel about death itself.
With the way Bill's job is, I've gotten very used to disappointment. Counting down the days and expecting him to be home, someone to sleep beside at night (besides Liam). I got another phone call shattering all hope. I hung up the phone and cried. Not the kind where you keep on going with whatever you were doing at the moment, but this was the kind where I put down whatever was in my hand and sobbed. I was actually that sad, and that disappointed. Was this the correct emotion? I know how to feel disappointed and work my way through it, but I can't figure out how to feel about death.
With tonight's tragic passing of one of our Schools teachers, I started thinking about my experiences in these situations. I can remember being at my Pap's funeral. My Uncle Sam held me the whole time. I was a child, maybe 6. I can't quite remember but I was emotionless. Obviously I didn't grasp the entirety of the situation but I still felt nothing.
5 years ago, this past Summer, I remember waking up and deciding I was going to work late. I worked at a Summer Camp that was right down the road from me. I had no particular reason to go to work late, but I just wasn't ready to go. A few hours later when I arrived one of my coworkers had just gotten to work too. He was a volunteer EMT and Firefighter. We were casually talking about our days when I asked where he was at. All he could say was Since the parents were Notified he could tell me her name was Nicole Thompson. I stopped, and a million things ran through my head. I felt numb. This girl wasn't family, she wasn't really my friend, but I had gone to school with her for 12 years. I watched her grow up, as much as she did me.
I remember this like it was yesterday, but I started walking one of the trails at the camp. It was raining and I just felt this urge to run. I was running and crying my eyes out. Not knowing what to say, or feel, or think. How can someone in the background of my life, cause so much emotion. We had never hung out. We talked in class, but never on the phone. She was literally in the background of my life. I went to her funeral. I held back the tears thinking I didn't deserve to cry over someone I never really got to know outside of school. She was there at every dance I was at, 6th grade graduation, on the same playground as me, day in and day out but I never really knew her. I still think about her, a lot actually. I pass the site of her accident every time I go to my house. I think about her when I'm driving in the car for no reason. Sometimes I even look at her myspace to see her pictures frozen there in time.
I worked with another girl, Mellissa. Bill and I actually both knew her. We worked together for over a year. She was the kind of girl you looked at the schedule and hoped you were working with her. I remember reading on facebook that she had gotten sick, and it was a surprise to us when she passed away. It never phased Bill or I to go visit her. She was just someone in the background that we knew. And again, tonight, a teacher I had in high school, has passed away. He was a substitute for a few years; The kind that you loved having. The kind where you could have fun, and watch movies during weight training and it was ok. When he was a full time teacher he was even on my Senior Class trip. I've had multiple conversations with this man and never thought twice about them again.
It surprises me how greatly everybody in life affects each other. These "background people" that live among us have greater impacts than we even realize. I spent time talking, and working beside, and even growing up beside these people and never thought there would be a day when they weren't there. Years later, I'm still thinking about these people. You've had a greater impact on my life than you or I would have ever thought.
Rest In Peace.
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